More Than Words: How “my” And “i” Shape Connection
 | Author:
Ellie West, Master Certified Practitioner of NLP, TLT, & Hypnotherapy and Certified Personal Empowerment and Enneagram Coach
Inside Inspiration: Certified NLP Coach/Practitioner Of Hypnosis and Timeline Therapy |
More Than Words: How “My” and “I” Shape Connection
Ellie West
Master Certified Practitioner of NLP, TLT, & Hypnotherapy and Certified Personal Empowerment and Enneagram Coach
Words are small, but the way we use them can reveal a lot about our hearts. A simple “my” or missing “I” might not seem important, yet it can influence how love and belonging are felt.
Have you ever wondered why some people say, “love you” instead of “I love you”? Or why some refer to their children as “my” instead of “ours”?
Recently, during a dinner conversation, Bill and I talked about both of them. I've always wondered why. It sparked some interesting thoughts because it can mean different things depending on tone, context, and family dynamics.
When using “my mom,” “my dad,” or “my Sarah,” one might think it suggests a personal connection, reflecting their experience within that relationship.
Alternatively, if someone is speaking outside the family, using “my…” may feel more natural.
I also wondered if specific words are used or not used when relationships are strained, especially when taking ownership of the parent or child.
In our world of blended or complex families, where both parents are not in the same household, people might also say “my dad,” “my mom,” or “my child.”
On the positive side, it might indicate closeness, highlight a special bond, or even foster healing in the relationship.
Our language and the words we choose carry subtle emotional weight. Some parents might use “my” to show closeness, almost as a term of endearment (“my sweet boy”).
The nuance is that “my” can mean warmth, pride, or closeness, but in some situations, it can unintentionally suggest ownership or exclusion.
I remember reading somewhere that removing the “I” from “I love you” makes it sound more friendly, perhaps more endearing, and even safer in some ways.
When you add the “I,” they’re offering more than just words; they’re offering themselves. That small word “I” carries vulnerability. It says, “This love is mine, and I am handing it over to you.”
Some people might leave out the “I” because it feels protected and less vulnerable. But when we’re brave enough to include it, we build deeper connections.
Transparency may seem risky, but it’s often where you find the most genuine love.
So, I wonder if it's a cultural difference, or simply a matter of how some people communicate, or a way of protecting themselves from saying “love you.” Since reading the article years ago, I changed the phrase from “love you” to “I love you,” because it truly has a deeper meaning.
Could it also be just a casual habit where some people naturally drop the “I” without realizing it?
Perhaps “love you” feels just as strong as “I love you.” However, if it's said warmly, with eye contact or affection, the missing “I” usually doesn’t change the meaning.
There might be emotional distance or tension if the relationship is strained and dropping the “I” may feel less vulnerable and personal, almost like pulling back from feelings.
Some families grow up saying “love you,” and it's the norm, familiar, and not necessarily dismissive.
Saying “I love you” can feel very exposed. “Love you” often serves as a safer, lighter version that involves less emotional risk.
It all comes down to consistency and context. If someone used to say, “I love you” but now only says “love you,” that change could indicate tension or withdrawal.
However, if that has always been their way, it might just be their natural way of communicating.
The difference: “Here I am, fully showing you my heart.” (I love you) versus “Here’s love, but I’m keeping a little shield up.” (love you)
Without the “I,” it’s less of a direct reveal of someone's heart. It’s affectionate, but it doesn’t carry the same weight of personal ownership.
For someone who fears rejection, hurt, or emotional intensity, dropping the “I” can serve as a buffer.
This can be tied to past wounds, fears of intimacy, or simply discomfort with deep vulnerability.
Don’t be afraid to keep the “I.” Your willingness to be vulnerable might be the very thing that strengthens your closest relationships. Maybe today, try saying it—and notice the difference.
In the end, it’s not just what we say, but how we say it—the smallest words often hold the greatest weight of love.
Ellie West is a Certified Master Coach in NLP, Time Line Therapy™, and Hypnotherapy, as well as a Certified Enneagram Internal Profile Coach. She hosts women’s intensives and writes to inspire others to live with intention, freedom, and faith. Connect with her on Facebook: @coachinghearttoheart or Instagram: Coach Ellie West.
